Scouting Report: Team Pitches and Hos

Pitches and Hos are the preseason favorites to win the PMRNHDWBL, as well as to capture the much coveted Beers Per Game (BPG) crown. Their all-around skillset, superior drinking ability, and the rather bizarre way in which the latter appears to improve the former makes them a difficult opponent. Opposing players who give in to the constant heckling from Pitches and Hos, and attempt to prove their manhood (or womanhood) by matching the scorching BPG pace, usually end up being taken both out of the park and under the table.

Tyler “Kung Fu Panda” Roe may be the most inconsistent hitter in the league. He expands the zone, swinging at bad pitches outside, while at the same time taking strikes right down the middle. His swing definitely has holes, which combined with the suspect plate disciple leads to high strikeout totals. However, opposing pitchers shouldn’t take Fat Ichiro lightly, as he’s developed excellent power, to the point where some fielders elect to play him to take away the homer and the tripple. Moreover, Roe’s batting skills appear to increase as the light wanes. Perhaps it is only the accumulation of talent juice, but some analysts think that his left eye (which is a cloudy brown rather than the clear green of his right eye) is actually taken from a deep sea eel, and only comes into focus at twilight.

As a pitcher, Roe throws a moderate fastball which he is able to locate well enough to get by, and he couples it with an increasingly filthy slider. The two pitches have similar velocity, and when he can control his fastball, the combination is very effective. Moreover, the rate at which both his pitching and hitting have improved make him one of the more projectable prospects in the league.

Ryan “Popeye” Fouché is the cornerstone of Pitches and Hos’s championship hopes, and a serious contender for both the MVP and the Cy Young (which will be renamed the Doc Ellis if Fouché wins). As a batter, Fouché shows power to all fields, scorching line drives left right and up the middle. If he has any pattern, it is that he tends slightly towards opposite field, especially when drunk or in the dark. To date, Fouché is the only batter to have hit a true line drive home run.

If Fouché’s hitting is impressive, it’s his pitching that really sets him apart from most other players in the PMRNHDWBL. He only throws one pitch, a scorching fastball that is in the strike zone almost every time. When sober, Fouché will miss with his locations occasionally, and give up a run here and there. Once he gets a respectable BPG going, however, Fouché becomes untouchable. His fastball, on top of piling up strikes both looking and swinging, generates a large number of ground balls. And this is where the irony comes in. As Fouché gets drunker, his fastball becomes faster and his command becomes better. His fielding, on the other hand, becomes worse (proving that he is actually mortal). If he ever struggles during the season, chances are that it will be the result of poorly fielded ground ball singles. Some analysts speculate that hitters will figure out Fouché’s one offering eventually, but until that happens, he should be considered likely to pitch a perfect inning every time he takes the mound with an inning or two of drinking under his belt.