Game Recaps: Competitive Day 1, Game 1

Competitive Day 1 got under way last Friday with a matchup between Wiffle Deez Balls and The Zach Morgan Dave Easley Project to be Named, Fuckers (project). Jamie Elliot lead off the top of the game against Zach "Gaylord" Morgan with an epic 10 pitch at bat. After swinger over the top of a cutter on the first pitch, and then falling behind 0-2, Elliot proceeded to foul off 5 pitches before finally working a leadoff walk. Shiloh Wallace then fought her way to a full count before going down swinging. Morgan then struck out each member of Wiffle Deez Balls (both swinging) on only 7 pitches to retire the side.

In the bottom of the inning against Elliot, Morgan lead off with an opposite field fly ball double, and Easley followed that up with a line drive home run. The Naming Project then doubled and trippled, failing to miss on a single pitch in the zone. At this point, Elliot lost his confidence and his control (the lack of support from his teammate may have been a contributing factor), walking the next 7 batters, after which Easley doubled in the 10th run to mercy rule Elliot out of his misery.

To start the second, Dave Easley got a soft fly out to the pitcher, which he followed up by a strikeout and a soft ground ball to retire the side. At this point, the Naming Project only needed to score four runs to ice the game, and while Wallace showed better raw pitching skills than Elliot had, she never really had a chance given the hole she had been dug. A walk, two doubles, and two triples later, the game was over.

Scouting Report: Wiffle Deez Balls

Wiffle Deez Balls obviously has talent, but their caustic clubhouse situation appears to be severely crippling their ability to produce on the field. A constant presence on the covers of PMRN Help Desk Tabloids, Jamie Elliot and Shiloh Wallace are actually very similar players, with decent fundamental hitting skills (Jamie may have greater power), and changeup reliant pitching. The constant infighting on Wiffle Deez Balls, however, eats away at both payers' concentration and seriously hurts their command.

There are reports that Elliot has altered his training routine, and intends to practice his pitching while listening to a constant loop of Wallace's voice criticising his every move. Whether or not this new approach will improve the production on the field has yet to be seen. What I can say with certainty is that Elliot and Wallace must first neutralize the clubhouse poison if they hope to have any shot of making a run this year.

Scouting Report: The Dave Easley Zach Morgan Project to be Named, Fuckers (project)

The Dave Easley Zach Morgan Project to be Named, Fuckers (project) is a short-notice replacement team created by the the commissioner after the Pabst Pounding Pirates failed to sign their hot young prospect, and then folded for lack of fan support. The team consists of league veteran and Commissioner Level 2 User, Zach Morgan, and foreign born fireballer, Dave Easley. From the looks of things, they may be contenders.

Zach "Gaylord" Morgan is a command and control pitcher who sets hitters up with a slider, and then finishes them off with his signature cutter. The cutter moves very slightly away from a right handed batter, but it also loses velocity at a rate greater than any other pitch currently in play. Interestingly, Morgan is the only pitcher in the league who actually prefers scuffed and/or broken balls (hence the nickname), as the extra drag improves his cutter.

Dave Easley is a change of pace from the Gaylord, as he relies almost exclusively on his fastball. In his short career stateside, Easley has already drawn comparisons to a young Randy Johnson, as his completely over the top delivery gives his fastball a distinctive downward plane. He works the top of the strikezone, at times wildly, but he has the raw stuff to get out of jams. Sources close to Easley claim that he may be attempting to add a sidearm riser to his repertoir. If he succeeds, it would be a formiddable addition to his already tough sinking fastball.

At the plate, The Dave Easley Zach Morgan Project to be Named, Fuckers (project) is just good enough to make their pitching stand up. Easley may have better power, while Morgan's plate discipline is more advanced. Either way, neither batter should be taken for granted.

Scouting Report: Stiff Bats and Hollow Balls

Stiff Bats and Hollow Balls are about as offensive as they come. Their name is (over)sexed and their bats are juiced. With improved control they could be a real contender. Think of them as the White Sox from one year ago - high quality sluggers combined with starting pitching that might pull it together on any given day, but can also give up a crooked number if their BABIP luck drops.

Mild mannered Kellan Sqire is perhaps the most nerve wracking player in the league to pitch against. He uses a relaxed stance with a smooth swing that wiffle ball scouts agree suggests prior baseball experience. Nearly everything he puts in play goes for a high-arching, majestic home run. The saving grace from the pitcher's perspective is that he pulls the ball foul much more often than he actually puts it in play. He has difficulty slowing his swing up enough to hit a changeup, and he can be made to chase pitches out of the zone both high and outside.

As for his pitching, Squire's obvious athleticism and ball skills have yet to translate into productivity on the mound. He's shown a willingness to experiment with different types of pitches, but doesn't throw very hard or with great command. If something clicks and Squire finds his pitching identity, the rest of the league could be in trouble.

Matt Hunter, the non-PMRN member of Stiff Bats and Hollow Balls, is an imported player from a strange foreign league where only home runs count as hits. There is currently no reliable translation from his former league in Derby, England to our league in Tallahassee, FL, but anyone can see that the power is legit. Hunter uses a unique one handed swing to generate tremendous power, hitting moonshot home runs and scorching tripples. Opponents are advised never to give him pitches on the outside half of the plate, or even within two or so feet of the plate on the outside. He's susceptible to being jammed with splitters and screw balls, and if you want to throw a slider, make sure it's way outside. Hunter is an aggressive swinger and just might go for it.

As for Hunter's pitching, he mixes and matches changeups, fastballs, the occasional slider, and even some underhanded offerings, with very inconsistent results. If I had to make a comparison to a hardball player, however, I would say that Hunter resembles Curt Schilling, at least in terms of insistent self-promotion of his blog.

Scouting Report: The Wobblies

The Wobblies, consisting of Ian Malinowski and Kelly Scherwitzki took their name because, like the Industrial Workers of the World, they’re still throwing strikes in the third inning. They flash both stellar pitching and energetic, dedicated fielding, but have difficulty putting it all together in any given inning. Moreover, experts agree that they lack the necessary offensive firepower to compete with the class of the PMRNHDWBL.

Scherwitzki bears the distinction of being the only female founding member of the PMRNHDWBL. She is a high-contact singles hitter with developing plate discipline, though she still chases the occasional high pitch. Teams have taken to playing the defense up against her, but Scherwitzki, undeterred, continues to lance ground balls through the middle, viewing the up-shift simply as an opportunity to turn those singles into doubles.

As a pitcher, Scherwitzki offers a steady diet of changeups. She has above average control, limiting walks and trusting the defense behind her to make plays on popups. Batters do not fear Scherwitzki, but perhaps they should. She has no problem with pitching high and inside, and has hit Tyler Roe in the head numerous times in preseason games. Some (communist) analysts believe that by the end of the season, the stats will show Scherwitzki to be the definition of a league average pitcher.

Ian "The Wilting Rose"Malinowski earned his nickname for the way opposing batters wilt before his superb stuff. Also, he's just generally a classy and artistic individual. Malinowski throws a wide assortment of pitches, but his bread and butter is a hard slider that starts out behind the batter and breaks back into the strike zone. Once he gets to a two strike count, Malinowski leans on his wide assortment of out pitches, including sliders off the outside edge, a sidearm sinker, a maximum effort fastball, and changeups on the high inside corner. When Malinowski falls behind in the count, he tends to lean on a high curve, backdoor splitters and screw balls, and changeups. Lastly, once hitters start to get a read on Malinowski's pattern of pitches, he will switch to sidearm risers and sinkers for a batter or two. The Wilting Rose figures to challenge Fouche for the league Cy Young award.

As a batter, Malinowski is the consummate leadoff hitter. He works the count, being stingy with his swings to the point where he often takes pitches right down the middle if he doesn't feel like he can drive the ball. (Because of this, he leads the league in strikes taken through the hole.) [No, that's not what she said.] Malinowski displays decent contact skills, especially on pitches high and away, but he only really possesses doubles power. In fact, Malinowski has never yet hit a home run.

With quality pitching and some BABIP luck, The Wobblies could be a good team. Their major concern, however, is the offense. Their lineup consists entirely of leadoff hitters, and will get plenty of men on base. Will they be able to drive them in?

Scouting Report: Team Pitches and Hos

Pitches and Hos are the preseason favorites to win the PMRNHDWBL, as well as to capture the much coveted Beers Per Game (BPG) crown. Their all-around skillset, superior drinking ability, and the rather bizarre way in which the latter appears to improve the former makes them a difficult opponent. Opposing players who give in to the constant heckling from Pitches and Hos, and attempt to prove their manhood (or womanhood) by matching the scorching BPG pace, usually end up being taken both out of the park and under the table.

Tyler “Kung Fu Panda” Roe may be the most inconsistent hitter in the league. He expands the zone, swinging at bad pitches outside, while at the same time taking strikes right down the middle. His swing definitely has holes, which combined with the suspect plate disciple leads to high strikeout totals. However, opposing pitchers shouldn’t take Fat Ichiro lightly, as he’s developed excellent power, to the point where some fielders elect to play him to take away the homer and the tripple. Moreover, Roe’s batting skills appear to increase as the light wanes. Perhaps it is only the accumulation of talent juice, but some analysts think that his left eye (which is a cloudy brown rather than the clear green of his right eye) is actually taken from a deep sea eel, and only comes into focus at twilight.

As a pitcher, Roe throws a moderate fastball which he is able to locate well enough to get by, and he couples it with an increasingly filthy slider. The two pitches have similar velocity, and when he can control his fastball, the combination is very effective. Moreover, the rate at which both his pitching and hitting have improved make him one of the more projectable prospects in the league.

Ryan “Popeye” Fouché is the cornerstone of Pitches and Hos’s championship hopes, and a serious contender for both the MVP and the Cy Young (which will be renamed the Doc Ellis if Fouché wins). As a batter, Fouché shows power to all fields, scorching line drives left right and up the middle. If he has any pattern, it is that he tends slightly towards opposite field, especially when drunk or in the dark. To date, Fouché is the only batter to have hit a true line drive home run.

If Fouché’s hitting is impressive, it’s his pitching that really sets him apart from most other players in the PMRNHDWBL. He only throws one pitch, a scorching fastball that is in the strike zone almost every time. When sober, Fouché will miss with his locations occasionally, and give up a run here and there. Once he gets a respectable BPG going, however, Fouché becomes untouchable. His fastball, on top of piling up strikes both looking and swinging, generates a large number of ground balls. And this is where the irony comes in. As Fouché gets drunker, his fastball becomes faster and his command becomes better. His fielding, on the other hand, becomes worse (proving that he is actually mortal). If he ever struggles during the season, chances are that it will be the result of poorly fielded ground ball singles. Some analysts speculate that hitters will figure out Fouché’s one offering eventually, but until that happens, he should be considered likely to pitch a perfect inning every time he takes the mound with an inning or two of drinking under his belt.

Pitch Glossary

This is a glossary of all of the pitches currently thrown by players in the PMRN Help Desk Wiffle Ball League (PMRNHDWBL). These standard pitch names will be used in game recaps and in scouting reports that will appear hear at Somebody to Leon periodically. If you know of a pitch thrown by at least one player not listed here, feel free to add it as a comment, or to contact Ian Malinowski at the PMRN Help Desk.

Note: In an attempt to mirror the essence of hardball, if not necessarily the details, some of these pitches are categorized accurately by their movement while others are categorized by their affect on the batter-hitter matchup. Movement for each pitch is described as if the pitch were thrown by a right handed batter.

Fastball: The fastball travels in a straight line, and is thrown fast.

Changeup: The changeup travels in a straight line and is thrown more slowly than the fastball.

Slider: The slider is thrown hard and breaks away from a right handed batter.

Curve: The curve also breaks away from a right handed batter, but is thrown slower than the slider.

Splitter: The splitter is thrown hard and breaks in toward a right handed batter. It is the mirror image of the slider.

Screw Ball: The screw ball also breaks in toward a right handed batter but is thrown slower than the slider. It is the mirror image of a curve.

Cutter: The cutter is a fastball of moderate speed with a small amount of movement. This movement can be made to go in different directions. The cutter also loses its velocity especially quickly, causing it to drop more than expected.

Eephus: The Eepus is a slow, high, arcing pitch which the pitcher tries to drop into the back of the strike zone. The name comes from outfielder Maurice Van Robays. When asked what it meant, Van Robays replied, "'Eephus ain't nothing, and that's a nothing pitch."

Sinker: This pitch is thrown side-arm, and drops dramatically.

Riser: This pitch is thrown side-arm, and rises as it travels through the air.

Submarine Slider: The submarine slider is thrown underhanded, and breaks away from a right handed batter

Submarine Splitter: The submarine splitter is thrown underhanded and breaks in toward a right handed batter.

The Offseason is Over

Things are starting to heat up again in the world of FSU sports. The football team is in camp, the basketball team allegedly weighs at least 40 pounds of muscle more as a unit, and Tyler Holt is back from tearing it up in Japan. Perhaps more importantly, the inaugural season of the PMRN Help Desk Wiffle Ball League is about to begin.

Somebody to Leon will be covering the PMRNHDWBL, and will hopefully be reporting stats with geater frequency than we did with FSU baseball. Check daily for game recaps, stats, scounting reports, and betting lines.